Fanmail

This is Fanmail, Special Edition because I respond to more than one well-intentioned query/comment. As you may or may not have noticed (you did) there were, like, a bajillion fun comments on a certain post on DREAMActivist.org last week. I began censoring comments at random, which provoked more than a few emails from people claiming I was infringing upon their right to free speech. They’re right. I was. Too bad!

Let’s get started!

This first comment comes from another random person sitting in front of their computer, trying desperately to learn more about the immigration rights movement:

“This Horde of lawbreakers is getting nastier by the day. They should all pack their bags and go south where they came from and than they can cry raceism all thy want and they wont have to learn inglis.”

Ah, inglis. It’s becoming a lost language. Nobody speaks inglis anymore. Why, in my day, we used to walk 50 miles to the schoolhouse- uphill- both ways! In the snow! While speaking inglis! You’re right, let’s bring it back. And cursive too. It’s so pretty/useless. Next!

Our second comment comes from some random person in 1 of 50 states in the union:

“…IT SHOULD BE DEMANDED FROM THEM THAT THEY LEARN ENGLISH THE FIRST YEAR THEY ARE HERE AND BE TESTED ACADEMICALLY AND FOR DISEASES. THEY SHOULD NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET MEDICAL, JOBS AND HOUSING. PUT THEM IN MIGRANT CAMPS LIKE THEY USED TO DO AND CONTROL THEM. IF THEY DO NOT COMPLY AFTER 2 YEARS, THEY ARE DEPORTED AND WE DON’T HAVE TO PRESS “ONE” ANY MORE. THIS IS AMERICA!”

Dude, please stop yelling at me. I can hear you. Tested academically? Excellent idea. You can test drive this marvelous idea. Let’s start with American geography. Find Louisiana on a map. Nope, that’s South Carolina. Wrong, that’s Montana. Fail! Didn’t we try this a while ago? Like, with black people in the south? Prior to the federal Voting Rights Act in 1965, many states had “literacy tests”, which weren’t really “literacy tests” so much as they were “tests designed to keep people who aren’t white away from the polls, and why do you think you should have the right to vote anyways?” Insanity- because you’re trying the same thing twice and expecting different results.

Let’s play word association with some of the words you use. Put them in… Camps… Control. The infamous dictators I’m thinking of start with H, end with “itler”, start with S, end with “talin”. Well, would never do something like that in the United States. Although, we had a cheap knockoff version (probably bought it in a flea market downtown). I think it involved Asians. Japanese. Total suspension of civil liberties. Internment camps. Control. That worked out really well.

I’m sorry pressing “one” for you is so hard. There are support groups for people like you. Just know that we’re all here for you and we love you very much. Next!

Our next letter is from another person with a broken Capital Lock key:

“THAT’S DUMB! YOU DON’T COMPREHEND VERY WELL EITHER AS WE ALL CAN SEE. IS THAT THE IMMIGRANT COMING OUT IN YOU. I HAVE NEVER HAD AN IMMIGRANT BE NICE TO ME, THAT’S FOR SURE. THEY EITHER MOLESTED ME WITH THEIR EYES OR WANTED TO AND THE WOMEN ARE VERY JEALOUS OF PRETTY AMERICAN WOMEN.”

STOP YELLING AT ME! But seriously, that’s so beautiful. Yes, there’s an immigrant inside all of us. Because everybody, aside from our native brothers and sisters, is the descendant of an immigrant. Sometimes it’s hard, but I see the immigrant in you too. I believe in the immigrant in you.  And don’t be silly.  Immigrants are nice to you all the time.  Immigrants came up with Google. That’s nice, right?  Also, your immigrant-dar (I assume it’s similar to the mythical gay-dar, since you imply having the ability to identify non-physical identities via physical clues) will definitely come in handy in Arizona if a certain governor signs a certain bill by Saturday… NEXT!

The last of today’s fanmail comes from somebody who sort of missed the boat:

“Folks, I hate to disappoint you (Well..not really…) but there will be no amnesty. Most Americans have very strong feelings about foreigners demanding stuff from us. And frankly, we’ve had enough. The one thing you haven’t seen yet is OUR march. And when you do, and the politicians do…well, like I said, there will be no amnesty.”

Dude, I hate to disappoint you (Well…not really…) but there will be no surrender. Most Americans have very strong feelings about xenophobes demanding institutional discrimination from us. And frankly, we’ve had enough. The one thing you haven’t seen yet is OUR march…Wait, you did see it. There were thousands of us. Where were you, dude? We looked for you. I called you, but I think I have your old number. We were supposed to meet! Oh, right, you did have a march. You’re right, we didn’t see it. Because you weren’t there. Well, you were… virtually. Oooookay. Well, this is awkward. You stood us up.  I guess we’re not going to work out.  But keep it up, I guess. You can practice organizing at home. This week, start with organizing your way out of a cardboard box. Once you can do that, hit us up and we’ll send you some tips. Like, show up to your march.

Sincerely yours,

The team at DREAMActivist.

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4 thoughts on “Fanmail

  1. Love the fanmail lol. You guys get to talk to some of the most interesting (…you know I mean crazy, right?) people in the world! Anyway, gone to bone up on my inglis and pack my bag for that migrant camp (NOT!!).

  2. So …. will they teach us some Inglis in those camps??? Oh Jeez … how will I ever learn? Oh, wait .. how did I read this? (fail)

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